Stressing out

Oh my GAWD, I'm soooooooo fucking stressed out right now. There's so much on my plate that I don't know what to do with everything:

• finals
• family
• grades
• work
• a certain someone..

I'm so tired right now too. I've been fighting this cold for about two weeks right now and it's been kicking my ass >:( I guess that the only upside to this week so far is that I got 1/3 hard finals out of the way, which just leaves me with American Government and English. Gah I swear, English just isn't my subject this year so far. I mean, I love to read and the work is easy, but I just have no motivation to get anything done.

And It's been like this for the longest time now; I have no motivation to achieve my goals and to reach for the heavens above me. My only muse that got me through last year was my best friend. She not only motivated me, but also gave me reason to try my hardest and to do my best. Because of her words and her being there for me, I had more than enough reason to fo the best I could do. But ever since she stopped talking to me, I have nothing to get me going. Yes, I'm going to be an adult soon, and I'm going to have to start sustaining for myself. I need to find a good job that pays well, and get an even better education. Right now I'm close to failing one of my classes, and instead of working my ass off to fix it, all I do is lay around and do nothing. I have no motivation to do better. In my heart and mind, I see no reason to give my all.

Work is making me panic too. Right now I'm only seasonal, and I'm hoping that I did good enough for them to keep me as part time. I really need this job. I can only imagine how hard it must be right now to find a job with our economy the way that it is. I was told by someone that the chances of me staying are slim already. Not exactly what i wanted to hear :/

And what's really got me stressing out the most? My "best friend". I don't even know if it's right for me to call her that anymore. It's better than calling her my "ex" I guess. I stumbled across something that I'm pretty sure I wasn't ever suppose to find. It was her private blog where she vents our her true feelings an thoughts. And well, the things I've read really made me feel down. I had never reallized that she was so unhappy with me. I didn't reallize that I was so selfish and awful. Those words pierced my heart with every line, every sentence. And the other things I've read about someone else didn't exactly make me feel like I was on cloud nine either. I always feel like I'm such a burden to my friends and family, and she was the only person who made me feel like I wasn't. She had me feeling like I mattered to people.. but after what I read, I'm only more transfixed on how awful I really am.

I think it's almost funny that even after everything that has been said, after everything that's been done, I still have such strong feelings for you. You've taken my heart and have broken it on many occasions, and yet It still longs for you. There's still no one else I would want to be with more than I'd want to be with you.
I'm willing to wait for you, at any cost. I'll do anything to prove my worth to you. I'd change everything about myself if it meant being the guy meant for you. Why would I do this when there are obviously so many reasons why I should just give up and move on you say? Simple: When you love someone, and I mean truly love someone, you're willing to do anything for them. Climb the highest mountain, search the deepest sea, all that good stuff. I care about her too much to just let her walk out of my life.

But what I'm saying is selfish. Changing myself just to be with someone? Is it lieing? I'm not pretending to be someone else, I'll be improving myself to make myself better. But these words that are coming from my mouth mean nothing if I don't back them up with my actions. But that's just it; I don't exactly know what I should change about myself, so how can I show action? "You should know". Well I don't know everything that I should change. As far as I know I should not be selfish, I need to stop being such a downer, I need to apply myself. But wil that guarentee that you will someday be mine again? It doesn't. And even if I do change myself, in the back of her head she'll have this message that says, "He's just going to go back to how he was. That's how it was, and that's how it will be". I admit, when I would try to change myself for the better I would end up sliding back into how things were before. I hate myself for allowing that to happen. I'm so mad at myself for so many things.

GAH, I FEEL SO LOST. I FEEL SAD. I FEEL SO ANGRY. I FEEL SO MISERABLE.
And I have no one to blame but myself.
The Jarrod that everyone knew is from now on dead.