Thursday, January 13, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
"I’m so blind.
It’s funny how they say things are right in front of you. And you have literally been in front of me for the last 11 years. I’m just now seeing the wonderful person that you are.You’re my near perfection, if not already perfect. You make me so happy. And even though I push away, I don’t want you to leave.
I’m quite comfortable with you whether we’re serious, we’re joking around, or we’re just sitting there. You make me feel safe when I hardly ever feel that safety around anyone. You make me feel secure. You make me feel like I’m here to stay.
You make me feel so important.
I don’t know. You just make me feel so wonderful even when you chastise me. Because I know, you do it just because you care.
Its hard to explain.
10 weeks. I hope your patience doesn’t run out."
mine never ran out, but yours did...
Stressing out
Oh my GAWD, I'm soooooooo fucking stressed out right now. There's so much on my plate that I don't know what to do with everything:
And It's been like this for the longest time now; I have no motivation to achieve my goals and to reach for the heavens above me. My only muse that got me through last year was my best friend. She not only motivated me, but also gave me reason to try my hardest and to do my best. Because of her words and her being there for me, I had more than enough reason to fo the best I could do. But ever since she stopped talking to me, I have nothing to get me going. Yes, I'm going to be an adult soon, and I'm going to have to start sustaining for myself. I need to find a good job that pays well, and get an even better education. Right now I'm close to failing one of my classes, and instead of working my ass off to fix it, all I do is lay around and do nothing. I have no motivation to do better. In my heart and mind, I see no reason to give my all.
Work is making me panic too. Right now I'm only seasonal, and I'm hoping that I did good enough for them to keep me as part time. I really need this job. I can only imagine how hard it must be right now to find a job with our economy the way that it is. I was told by someone that the chances of me staying are slim already. Not exactly what i wanted to hear :/
And what's really got me stressing out the most? My "best friend". I don't even know if it's right for me to call her that anymore. It's better than calling her my "ex" I guess. I stumbled across something that I'm pretty sure I wasn't ever suppose to find. It was her private blog where she vents our her true feelings an thoughts. And well, the things I've read really made me feel down. I had never reallized that she was so unhappy with me. I didn't reallize that I was so selfish and awful. Those words pierced my heart with every line, every sentence. And the other things I've read about someone else didn't exactly make me feel like I was on cloud nine either. I always feel like I'm such a burden to my friends and family, and she was the only person who made me feel like I wasn't. She had me feeling like I mattered to people.. but after what I read, I'm only more transfixed on how awful I really am.
I think it's almost funny that even after everything that has been said, after everything that's been done, I still have such strong feelings for you. You've taken my heart and have broken it on many occasions, and yet It still longs for you. There's still no one else I would want to be with more than I'd want to be with you.
I'm willing to wait for you, at any cost. I'll do anything to prove my worth to you. I'd change everything about myself if it meant being the guy meant for you. Why would I do this when there are obviously so many reasons why I should just give up and move on you say? Simple: When you love someone, and I mean truly love someone, you're willing to do anything for them. Climb the highest mountain, search the deepest sea, all that good stuff. I care about her too much to just let her walk out of my life.
But what I'm saying is selfish. Changing myself just to be with someone? Is it lieing? I'm not pretending to be someone else, I'll be improving myself to make myself better. But these words that are coming from my mouth mean nothing if I don't back them up with my actions. But that's just it; I don't exactly know what I should change about myself, so how can I show action? "You should know". Well I don't know everything that I should change. As far as I know I should not be selfish, I need to stop being such a downer, I need to apply myself. But wil that guarentee that you will someday be mine again? It doesn't. And even if I do change myself, in the back of her head she'll have this message that says, "He's just going to go back to how he was. That's how it was, and that's how it will be". I admit, when I would try to change myself for the better I would end up sliding back into how things were before. I hate myself for allowing that to happen. I'm so mad at myself for so many things.
GAH, I FEEL SO LOST. I FEEL SAD. I FEEL SO ANGRY. I FEEL SO MISERABLE.
And I have no one to blame but myself.
The Jarrod that everyone knew is from now on dead.
- finals
- family
- grades
- work
- a certain someone..
And It's been like this for the longest time now; I have no motivation to achieve my goals and to reach for the heavens above me. My only muse that got me through last year was my best friend. She not only motivated me, but also gave me reason to try my hardest and to do my best. Because of her words and her being there for me, I had more than enough reason to fo the best I could do. But ever since she stopped talking to me, I have nothing to get me going. Yes, I'm going to be an adult soon, and I'm going to have to start sustaining for myself. I need to find a good job that pays well, and get an even better education. Right now I'm close to failing one of my classes, and instead of working my ass off to fix it, all I do is lay around and do nothing. I have no motivation to do better. In my heart and mind, I see no reason to give my all.
Work is making me panic too. Right now I'm only seasonal, and I'm hoping that I did good enough for them to keep me as part time. I really need this job. I can only imagine how hard it must be right now to find a job with our economy the way that it is. I was told by someone that the chances of me staying are slim already. Not exactly what i wanted to hear :/
And what's really got me stressing out the most? My "best friend". I don't even know if it's right for me to call her that anymore. It's better than calling her my "ex" I guess. I stumbled across something that I'm pretty sure I wasn't ever suppose to find. It was her private blog where she vents our her true feelings an thoughts. And well, the things I've read really made me feel down. I had never reallized that she was so unhappy with me. I didn't reallize that I was so selfish and awful. Those words pierced my heart with every line, every sentence. And the other things I've read about someone else didn't exactly make me feel like I was on cloud nine either. I always feel like I'm such a burden to my friends and family, and she was the only person who made me feel like I wasn't. She had me feeling like I mattered to people.. but after what I read, I'm only more transfixed on how awful I really am.
I think it's almost funny that even after everything that has been said, after everything that's been done, I still have such strong feelings for you. You've taken my heart and have broken it on many occasions, and yet It still longs for you. There's still no one else I would want to be with more than I'd want to be with you.
I'm willing to wait for you, at any cost. I'll do anything to prove my worth to you. I'd change everything about myself if it meant being the guy meant for you. Why would I do this when there are obviously so many reasons why I should just give up and move on you say? Simple: When you love someone, and I mean truly love someone, you're willing to do anything for them. Climb the highest mountain, search the deepest sea, all that good stuff. I care about her too much to just let her walk out of my life.
But what I'm saying is selfish. Changing myself just to be with someone? Is it lieing? I'm not pretending to be someone else, I'll be improving myself to make myself better. But these words that are coming from my mouth mean nothing if I don't back them up with my actions. But that's just it; I don't exactly know what I should change about myself, so how can I show action? "You should know". Well I don't know everything that I should change. As far as I know I should not be selfish, I need to stop being such a downer, I need to apply myself. But wil that guarentee that you will someday be mine again? It doesn't. And even if I do change myself, in the back of her head she'll have this message that says, "He's just going to go back to how he was. That's how it was, and that's how it will be". I admit, when I would try to change myself for the better I would end up sliding back into how things were before. I hate myself for allowing that to happen. I'm so mad at myself for so many things.
GAH, I FEEL SO LOST. I FEEL SAD. I FEEL SO ANGRY. I FEEL SO MISERABLE.
And I have no one to blame but myself.
The Jarrod that everyone knew is from now on dead.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
If I could change everything about myself so that we could have another chance, I would do it all in a heart beat
please, give me one more chance
It's amazing how much has changed in just over a year
I don't mean with just me. I mean with both of us. How far we came and how we are now. Reading your writing just makes me think, "damn..". Before I was such a picker-upper. I made your days brighter, and you made mine brighter. But now, you probably can't stand just being around me. As for me, I wonder every single day if you're ever thinking about me, like how I'm thinking about you.
I remember something hat I had told you before when we first started talking; "I think it's more important to love the person, not the body". And I feel like an idiot because though out the whole time there was an "us" all I focused on was the physical aspect of the relationship. Granted, it wasn't all the time, but it was a lot more often than it should have been. But you know what? I don't even miss that. I don't want the physical aspect of the relationship anymore. Sure, a hug and a kiss would be nice, and so would holding hands and laying together, but I don't want any of the sexual stuff that may come with a relationship. I love you. YOU. Not your body, you as a person. The only thing more beautiful than your face, just has to be your personality. I miss talking from dusk till dawn. I miss laughing with you every single day. and just being mega-giganto dorks.
But none f that matters anymore. I know how you are as a person, and your not going to want to come back. You're going to have in the back of your mind, "I know how he is already. Thing will just go back to how they were before". No matter how much I change, it won't be enough for you, and you will have this sense of doubt in you.
I don't know what to say anymore, other than that I miss you. I love you. And I would do anything for an "us" again.
I remember something hat I had told you before when we first started talking; "I think it's more important to love the person, not the body". And I feel like an idiot because though out the whole time there was an "us" all I focused on was the physical aspect of the relationship. Granted, it wasn't all the time, but it was a lot more often than it should have been. But you know what? I don't even miss that. I don't want the physical aspect of the relationship anymore. Sure, a hug and a kiss would be nice, and so would holding hands and laying together, but I don't want any of the sexual stuff that may come with a relationship. I love you. YOU. Not your body, you as a person. The only thing more beautiful than your face, just has to be your personality. I miss talking from dusk till dawn. I miss laughing with you every single day. and just being mega-giganto dorks.
But none f that matters anymore. I know how you are as a person, and your not going to want to come back. You're going to have in the back of your mind, "I know how he is already. Thing will just go back to how they were before". No matter how much I change, it won't be enough for you, and you will have this sense of doubt in you.
I don't know what to say anymore, other than that I miss you. I love you. And I would do anything for an "us" again.
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